Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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