Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
