Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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