just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize