wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize