remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
