I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
