yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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