Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
