omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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