Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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