Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
