I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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