I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
