Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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