I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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