1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
