I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
