She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
