alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
if only i could text you this smell
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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