he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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