Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Houston, we have a squirter
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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