So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
