He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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