is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
