They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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