I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
