she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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