I smell stomach acid.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
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