Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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