Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
