i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
