I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
