how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
