I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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