my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
did i walk over a car last night?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
