i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
