His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
