i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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