You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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