I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
