I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
