were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
