I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
