Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
