I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize