Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Randomize
