Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
