I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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