Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
