my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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