i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
