I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize