I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize