you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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