Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
